A couple of years ago I spent two weeks with my grandmother at her condo in Mexico. On the last day, this is what I wrote:
"On the last day, it rained. The kind of rain that says 'I am here to stay awhile.' Not the kind of quick shower I am used to but rather a variance between a soft drizzle and a steady downpour. It is one of the most lovely things to experience. It's not a driving rain coming from extreme altitudes blown sideways by a 40 mile per hour wind. No. This is a release from the clouds that softly soaks the earth, collects in rivulets, and makes its way to the sea.
I love this kind of rain.
It is a reminder to be soft, open to receive, and that eventually everything is washed clean. This rain is a reminder to allow anger, resentment, and harshness to be dissolved and released to the vastness that is the ocean. It is a steady reminder to forgive those that I feel have caused pain.
After the rain, the clouds will part, the sun will shine, the sky will be clear, the air will be fresh, and a rainbow will appear as a reminder of the light and colors that fill my heart.
I love the rain.
I used to be afraid. Afraid of being wrecked by the waves of life. A few days ago I surfed or attempted to surf but the ocean repeatedly said "not today, Jessica. Not today," and sent me right back onto the beach. Time after time I paddled back out, eyeing up the next batch of waves, choosing the most inviting one, and promptly being wrecked, rolled, tossed, and pushed right back onto the sand. Nope, not today.
Getting wrecked by the waves, I was reminded to breathe. To breathe is to live. There is power in the breath and power between exhalation and inhalation. When getting tumbled underneath the waves, not knowing which way is up or down, I was reminded to be patient and have faith the ocean will send me back to the surface...and she did, time and time again. There is power in patience.
I came to be in water and grew in water. Water replenishes the soul and allows my soul to come forward. Water allows the soul to be felt, the aliveness, the fragility, the sensitivity. Water allows me to be free.
Freedom is what I crave the most in life. Freedom from constraint, freedom to be, freedom to grow. I am struggling to find freedom within the constraints of wifehood. I am angry and volatile like the ocean in a storm when ideals and expectations created by another are placed upon me. Fictitious expectations of in-laws, parents, children, how do I break free? How do I find a way to be free, to find a voice that is not threatening, not frightening, and not fearful to the other?
Because I am wild, break with tradition, and follow my own moral and ethical compass that is in line with what is real and natural, there is palpable fear and disdain from those who are disconnected from what is real and natural. Kindness and generosity are my two guiding principles. I choose kindness over harshness and generosity over miserliness. There is abundance in this world and those who don't see it are rooted in fear.
Kindness and generosity are rarely rewarded in the current society within which I live. Giving $20 to someone on the side of the street who doesn't have a safe place to sleep at night is not "making the problem worse." On the contrary, it is allowing that person a bit of kindness and offering hope that all is not lost and reflects more of what the "making the problem worse" person actually stands for, which is typically a "me, mine, and not your's mentality."
Accusations that have no validity have been thrown at me numerous times and it is usually from those who are unable to reflect on their own behaviors and their own words. Breaking the mold and shining bright has always brought a reprimand of accusations based on nothing more than fear of the unknown and lack of control. It's tiresome and I am tired of being strong, smiling graciously while digging my nails into my hands all the while imagining myself wielding samurai swords to behead the accuser. Enough is enough.
I have been called a princess by people who don't realize I am a queen of magnificent proportions. I may not have a crown and I may not have the people's money to spend freely but the influence I wield and the example I set has rippled across an entire state, region, country, continent, and the globe. Take that bit of knowledge and stick it where the sun doesn't shine, haters.
Over the past 6 months, I have restored, rebuilt, and sold all that was once part of a life that doesn't exist anymore. I sit overlooking a vast ocean of possibilities trying to let the rain wash away my hidden worries that do nothing but create anxiety and apprehension. On the outside, I look as calm and still as the ocean is now being pelted with little drops of my own doubt and fear, attempting to allow the doubt and fear to absolve into my own vastness. On the inside, I am a raging underwater volcano battling the cooling effects of water to reach the surface, trying to reveal myself as a strong, solid mass of strength and courage.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have participated in multiple yoga classes taught by octogenarians who practiced and partied with The Beatles. I first began doing yoga when I was 16. An Ali McGraw video brought home by my mom, I am 100% sure it was an attempt to spice up a love-life or find inner peace*, I would pop it in the VCR and follow along any time the parentals were not at home. (*Those are my own assumptions and are probably not 100% accurate.)
Yoga has been with me for over half of my life and it reminds me we are our own universe, harboring every emotion under the sun, every chemical reaction known and unknown to man, spiritual, mystical, and ever-expanding towards an unstoppable biological death. Like us, water has a soul and the soul never dies. This, I remind myself of as I stand on the precipice of what is unknown and new.
I get on a plane this afternoon to take me to a new place, not home, but a place to hopefully heal the wounds of my heart that have been ripped open in a fit of rage, fear, and distrust. I hope my strength and courage are enough to help me going forward and the water is enough to wash away the apprehension and worries about what is to come."
Comentarios